“Intimate Strangers” by Bill Strain can suggest the brokenness of domestic violence and how too many close their eyes to the problem.

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Esperanza Strong (not her real name) remembers with chilling clarity the precise moment her life would change forever. Her husband had a loaded gun pointed at her head. She could hear her small children scrambling in the next room, whispering among themselves how they could help their defenseless mother.

“I saw this look in his eyes I had never seen before: a detached look of rage,” Strong recalled. “And I remember thinking: This is it, it’s over. I prayed immediately and said, ‘Please God, let me live. If I make it through this, I promise I will never come back.’”

One of her children escaped out a bedroom window and ran to a nearby convenience store, where the police were called. After what seemed like an eternity, officers calmly entered the living room and her husband handed over his weapon. Strong took her children and never looked back.

“I managed to get myself and my children into counseling. We turned to the Women’s Shelter of South Texas for assistance. A couple of years later, I ended up working at the Women’s Shelter,” she said proudly.

Today, Strong is a victims’ assistance advocate and helps them with the effects suffered from misdemeanor crime, including assault and family violence. She has seen firsthand what happens when people refuse to get involved in domestic violence cases: the cycle of abuse continues, many times resulting in death. 

The act of people who have knowledge about domestic violence, but do nothing to report it to authorities is referred to as the “bystander effect.”

“We need more people to stand up and make a statement, but unfortunately, people don’t want to get involved. They don’t want to come to court or make any extra effort.
Remember, this could be your daughter, granddaughter, son or grandson. You could make a difference in someone’s life,” she said.
 

Erika De La Paz is Prevention and Education director at the Women’s Shelter of South Texas.

According to Erika De La Paz, Prevention and Education Director at the Women’s Shelter of South Texas, bystanders include the silent majority. 

“It includes anyone who is aware of the abuse, but is not directly involved. Bystanders hold great sway over the outcome of abuse, and can easily align with the perpetrator or the victim. Bystanders have an inherent responsibility to prevent and stop abuse,” she said.  

Strong added it’s time that the community respects the sanctity of all human life by stepping forward and saying something when they see anyone suffering from abuse. 

“As a community, we need to take that extra initiative to step forward and say something,” she said. “Once you make that call, you have invested time out of your busy life and it is appreciated, but it needs to be followed through. Victims and their abusers need to know someone is watching and that someone cares.”

Mary Clary, a parishioner at Corpus Christi Cathedral, said she would not hesitate to get involved if a family member or friend needed help escaping a domestic violence situation.
 

IF YOU ARE: A Victim: Ask for help; call the Women’s Shelter of South Texas,  1-800-580-HURT (4878). You do not deserve to be abused by someone you love. A Bystander: You are part of the big solution. Do not aid the perpetrator by becoming a collaborator or enabler.  Discourage others from supporting the perpetrator. Report domestic violence to authorities. Insist they investigate. Do not provoke the victim into fighting back, or become physical with the perpetrator. Bystanders with respectable authority must stop the abuse immediately, and the perpetrator must face consequences. Spread a no tolerance message to friends, support those who are abused, and do not normalize domestic violence. A Perpetrator: Stop perpetrating. Stopping can be difficult. The power and control you feel is false, and will always lead to a bad outcome.  If you cannot stop abuse, seek help. Anger management, emotional pain and domestic violence are a few causes of aggressive behavior.  If you do not stop abusing, eventually someone will stop you. Provided by the Women’s Shelter of South Texas

“I am strong in my faith and therefore believe that if someone is going through something so difficult, we must not judge them, just be supportive and pray for them,” she said. “I would try my best to get them some sort of help, like counseling or help from law enforcement. I wouldn’t be able to sit by and do nothing.”

Strong noted she never tells domestic violence victims to leave or not leave.

“I tell them to hold the abuser accountable, especially if there are children in the household. Someday your children will be grown men and women and God forbid your child grows up to be an abuser. Your children could end up in prison, or dead because of the abuse they witnessed growing up,” she said.

Those working with domestic violence victims have begun to see five generations of domestic violence victims in some families. 

“The likelihood a child victim of domestic violence will either be abused or become an abuser as an adult is extremely high. It’s a power and control issue that is a learned behavior, but the time has come to break the cycle,” said Strong, who grew up in a home where she witnessed domestic violence. 

“My mother was abused by my step-father. As a little girl I remember wondering, ‘is today going to be a good day or a bad day? Will I find my mom beaten, or will I find them arguing?’ I remember being 15-years-old and at the Women’s Shelter. I was the oldest of five children. I swore to myself that I would never marry an abusive man, but that’s exactly what happened.”

Strong’s mother died at age 39 from ovarian cancer. 

“She had to die to leave her abuser. I don’t think she saw any other way,” she lamented.
When her first-born son was just three months old, her husband slapped Strong. 

“I remember thinking: ‘How dare he hit me!’ Unfortunately, I didn’t leave him until my oldest was 11 and my youngest was a baby. It was not the easiest thing to do, but I knew it had to be done for myself and for my children,” she said.

Strong speaks to juvenile offenders and to recently released prisoners about her personal story of domestic violence, hoping to spread the message of zero tolerance of violence against women, children and even men. Her oldest son is currently serving time in a Texas prison for domestic violence against his wife. 

Her other four children are happy, well-adjusted professionals with children of their own. They have each pledged to Strong to live violence-free lives with their families.

“Please don’t turn a blind eye to domestic violence. Someone you love may end up dead or seriously hurt. People need to be held accountable for their actions,” she said.